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Moderate Republicans declared dead (political satire)

The right turn the Republican Party has taken in the past two years represents more than just a shift in ideology. Some 2012 GOP campaign advertising makes moderation sound like a lethal disease that must be avoided at all costs.

The reasoning behind this is a bit odd, since refusing to compromise has brought most legislation to a screeching halt. Polls also show that Americans don't like their elected officials on the House Floor engaging in contests to see who can hold their breath longer, while crying and stomping their feet. But the GOP's no compromise message marches on - our way or the highway.

Failed policy is good, or at least that's what House Speaker John Boehner says.

On Tuesday, Boehner announced that he plans to lead the country down the road to financial ruin again, with a renewed pledge to hold the next debt ceiling vote hostage to Draconian debt reduction plans, which bear a striking resemblance to the failed austerity measures that have devastated the economies of Europe and the UK.

Yes, the Republicans say, that will be good for America!

The Republican plan to solve the debt crisis

Among the proposed GOP solutions to "fixing" America's budget woes is getting rid of Medicare, education, environmental regulations, Wall Street regulations, and raising the Social Security retirement age, so old people are forced to work until they fall over and die, thus eliminating the need to collect benefits. Without health insurance or Medicare, the odds of success for this plan increase dramatically.

Additionally, all taxes and rules for rich people must be reduced or eliminated. Yes, the Republicans say, that will be good for America.

What else do the no-compromise Republicans say is good for America?

Punishing women who have sex using birth control is high on the GOP hit list. Although this brand of logic counters another ultra-conservative GOP plank, which is to completely outlaw abortion one way or another, despite the fact that it has been a constitutional right since 1973.

Yes, time marches on in the Republican vision for America - as long as it's backwards.

The Republican plan to get rid of poor people

This plan is already underway and so far showing signs of great success. It resembles a military war plan to choke off and squash the enemy.

  • Step one involves starving poor people by cutting off their food stamp supply.
  • Step two takes away their access to medicine and health care with Medicaid cuts.
  • Step three rolls back or eliminates pollution laws and food safety regulations, so their water, air, soil, and nourishment, is loaded up with enough chemicals to choke a horse.

It should be noted that while step three works on all classes of people, the mortality rate would be much higher among the poor, who have had their access to health care cut off.

The final step to ensure the long term elimination of poor people from American society is to cut off their access to education. This will almost certainly guarantee their future level of poverty, which gives steps one, two, and three, as noted above, a more widespread effect. This too, say Republicans, is good for America!

Republican plan to end the suffering of rich people

In 2012, Republicans want Americans to think that nothing matters to them but pretending they care about reducing the debt. I say pretend because extending the Bush era tax cuts actually make the debt worse. Their other priority is getting rid of wasteful spending on poor people. This leaves more money left over to give to rich people, who are suffering from having to pay at least 10% of their income (after loophole deductions) on their taxes.

According to the Republicans, there is no reason for any millionaires to endure hardship because the greedy, over-taxing government might make it impossible for them to buy an elevator for their car.

Yes, the Republicans say, it is good for America to end the pain and suffering of millionaires.

Republican plan to stop all this rediculous Democratic voting!

In order to further advance the Republican plan to make America a better place, poor people, Hispanics, college students, and old people, must not have the right to vote anymore. The fear is that they might vote for someone who will help them, which would ruin everything the Republicans say is good for America.

"Republican state legislators and governors in a dozen states have been busy this year passing laws that make it harder for voters – overwhelmingly, Democratic voters – to cast their ballots," according to Rolling Stone.

The war on voting rights, also known as an attempt to end democracy and representative government, will keep at least five million Americans from deciding who determines their future and the quality of their lives.

Yes, say the Republicans, that will be good for America.

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