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Newt Gingrich criticizes “Washington Insiders” like former House Speaker Newt Gingrich

Republican presidential candidate Newt Gingrich is criticizing the Washington establishment for its intransigence in the face of a tough economy. His main target is longtime Washington insiders like former House Speaker Newt Gingrich.

“People who have been in Washington for 30 years tend to lose touch with the American people. We need someone who’s been among them to get the country back on track,” Gingrich told a crowd in Tallahassee. “That’s exactly what I did when I helped the Republicans regain control of Congress 15 years after I helped Reagan win the White House. A Washington insider couldn’t do that.”

Gingrich noted that his ideas would be a break from the old ideas that have pervaded Congress.

“When you’ve been in Washington too long, you start to repeat yourself, and your ideas get stale. What we need is a new way of thinking about the role of the federal government. I brought fresh thinking with my Contract with America, and I can bring that same fresh approach with another Contract with America.”

Rasmussen Reports has Gingrich at 41% one week ahead of the Florida primary, nine points ahead of former Massachusetts governor Mitt Romney.

Many analysts see this upswing as the result of Gingrich’s push to be the Washington outsider. A January 22 poll of voters who watch less than 15 minutes of news a week shows that Gingrich fits the bill for many voters.

Landscaper Sam Charles says Gingrich is his favorite candidate by far. “All those other guys have been in Congress too long, but Gingrich has all these new ideas. Take foster care. That hasn’t worked in years. Gingrich wants to set up orphanages, where kids can stay until they turn 18. Why didn’t someone think of that before?”

Other voters like his family values. “He’s a 68-year-old grandfather and a Christian,” says Millie Laughlin, a homemaker. “That makes him like every other Republican, and being Christian means he loves his wife, and he’ll stay with her in sickness and… well, in health, anyway.”

But questions have arisen over Gingrich’s role at Freddie Mac, which has long been targeted by the GOP for its role in the housing crisis that sent the economy in a freefall. Gingrich was a consultant at Fannie Mae for six years, but critics have said his job looked more like that of a lobbyist. Gingrich released one of his yearly contracts with the housing giant, but that hasn’t ended accusations of lobbying.

“Let’s be clear, I was never a lobbyist for Freddie Mac. I was a consultant. I reported to the director of public policy, who headed the lobbying arm, and I told them what to say when they went out to lobby. But I never lobbied. It’s like marriage. You can be married without BEING married, if you know what I mean.”

But despite this controversy, Gingrich is pushing on with his anti-Washington campaign.

“What makes me the perfect president? Because I’m not part of the Washington establishment. I was a congressman for ver 20 years. I also led the Republican Revolution in Congress and served as Speaker of the House for four years. I worked with a government-run mortgage company for six years. I’m the perfect Washington outsider.”

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Disclaimer: The above piece is a work of fiction. Any quotes attributed to real-life figures are written for satirical purposes only; like senatorial speeches about Planned Parenthood, they are not intended to be factual statements.