As 2012 sneaks up on 2011, here are 10 New Year's Resolution suggestions: Any of yours among them?
A Satirical Perspective
2012 is fast approaching, nipping aggressively at the heels of 2011. Millions love to take this time to click a snapshot of the year almost gone and look for ways and areas to improve and change. Adrenalin is always high when those end-of-year thoughts seem so doable and many of us can't wait to embark on those brilliant new plans and unwrap those shiny new Resolutions.
But alas, for many the fire and passion fizzles, falters and dies sooner than it took to "gift wrap" them in our Oprah-like, live-your-best-life shiny motivational optimism. What happens to kill all that spark and the anticipated new you?
Well, fret no more, for here are some attainable goals to reach for.
Coming in at #10:
Change Jobs: Sometimes we feel stagnated, uninspired, lackluster, bored at our jobs but don't know how to make the move -- especially in this abysmal job market. Did I use enough adjectives you can identify with? Money is scarce, jobs, like an endangered species. Despite the bleak forecast, it may be possible if we can secure a grant or government funding. But even those resources are strapped so here is a brilliant alternate: "The swap and switch."
Yes, you heard right. Simply look for someone who is miserable as you are in their job and swap with them -- providing of course it is something you want to do. For example: Mary works as a teacher in the public school system. This public worker thinks her bargaining rights is being trampled on with the onslaught of union gutting and wants to make a change. Any of the talking heads on Fox and radio -- like Rush Limbaugh -- shouldn't mind swapping with her for they have said that public workers were "fat cats" who got too much benefits already to want to retain their union rights. A little "swap and switch" should do the trick. See how easy that was?
# 9) Move: Do you live in the city but pine for open fields, chirping birds and the soprano of crickets at night? Or do you long for the fast-paced vibrancy of the city but live in the "outbacks?" Why not swap places? Problem solved.
#8) Get out of that dead relationship or marriage:
One of the least fulfilling things in life is to be stuck in a dead-end relationship. Hurt no more. Here is the "swap and switch" to the rescue again. By now you see the format so remember how you and Mikey always got along but his girlfriend says he's boring her to death but thinks your man is the best thing since sliced bread? You know what to do.
#7) Become one of the one-percenters, or rather the .35 percent to be exact:
Yes, it is not one percent of the U.S. population that control all the wealth, it is even less: .35 % according to Harvard professor Lawrence Lessig, author of the book, "Republic, Lost." The corruption in Washington politics is so far-reaching that we might as well try to figure out how we can join the free-flowing corrupt corporate money. Maybe a career in politics might be the answer to facilitate your entry into that rarefied .35 percent world.
#6) Stay forever young, or just look like you did:
This one is easy as 1-2-3: just simply stay away from all live-shots and photo-shop your pics to death on Facebook, Twitter, Google and all the other myriad social networking sites out there. All the big-name magazines do it so why can't you? Did you catch a glimpse of Linsay Lohan's leaked Playboy spread? (No pun intended!) I though it was a reincarnated Marilyn Monroe. Just saying.
#5) Become debt-free:
Apply for your federal bailout. Corporations are people according to the highest court in the land and they got numerous billion-dollar welfare checks. I know your debt is nothing remotely close to theirs, so securing that bailout should be a snap. Better yet -- let's all pool our debt together, for the "too big to fail" moniker seems to work even better. What's bigger than the entire 99.65 percent of the rest of America?
#4) Wean off that destructive, devastating habit of tuning in to "The KKK sisters" show.
I didn't call them that, their brilliant publicist did. You're a smart reader so by now I know you know that I am referring to the Kardashian girls. In an invitation to a soiree for their brand new clothing line, someone slipped up and referred to the K sisters as a Klan. See soiree invite below:
"Kourtney, Kim and Khloe personally invite you to join them in celebrating the launch of the Kardashian Kollection. Join the stylish Kardashian klan on September 6th at the private studio of the legendary photographer Annie Leibovitz for an exclusive preview of their fabulous new fashion Kollection for Sears". Gulp. Some proof-reading might have been in order.
Celebrity can be a good thing, over-exposure, saturation to the point of annoyance -- now that''s another thing, and I believe the famous for being famous "Klan sisters" have reached the latter.
#3) Quit smoking:
This one I cannot make fun of, or can I? Smoking is not good for our health--that is a fact so I am not going to preach, that would be overkill. So Put down the cigarette and pick up something else--anything--even a chicken leg.
#2) Lose weight:
Refer to No. 6.
#1) Please don't vote Republican: Well maybe Jon Huntsman, but definitely not Newt the Grinch. Here are a few reasons why:
Newt left he House under a cloud of questionable "ethics."
Personal life doesn't match campaign rhetoric, for he doesn't walk his talk.
Serial affairs and marriages, comparing his ex-wives to cars.
Half a million dollars owed to Tiffany's -- not very good at managing money, is he? After he received millions of tax-payers dollars for "advising bailed-out mortgage giant" Freddie Mac, why couldn't he pay his bill?
Marginalizing and stereotyping the poor and working poor by calling them all lazy, no-work-ethics-having bums who are poor role models for their children. Yet as Jon Stewart's "Black Senior Correspondent" Larry Wilmore put it so succinctly, he wants janitors to be fired so "poor children from the Inner Cities (code for we know exactly who he is talking about don't we?) could work at cleaning the toilets and bathrooms." This would give them "work ethics" and prevent them from growing up to be "pimps, prostitutes and drug dealers."
This Grinch once held one of the highest office in the land and he is now fighting to sit in the most powerful seat in the free world. No wonder Santa Claus doesn't go to the "Inner Cities," I think he spooked the bearded one's reindeer away.
Here is more on Newt the Grinch: